i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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