I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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