i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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