how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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