you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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