why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
