Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
