I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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