You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize