there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Randomize
