So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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