There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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