im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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