I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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