I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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