my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
