He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
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