you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize