We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Randomize
