There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
