Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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