My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
