Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
