OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
