Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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