life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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