I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
