Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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