the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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