she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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