I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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