my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
