after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
