Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
