I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
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