At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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