I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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