We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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