I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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