You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
