In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
