apparently the secret to your success is patron
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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