You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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