The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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