You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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