some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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