we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
