Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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