I got chris browned last night
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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