I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
