I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
