Just fell off a train. Bad.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
