I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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