he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
