Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
