i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
