I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
