I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
