I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
