just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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