peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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