So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
